Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Signing off

Ty Hampton
The Blotter

-- The Lake County Police Blotter was my proudest creation in my time at the Lake County Leader weekly newspaper.
I have recently started a Facebook group, by the same name, that is more of a memorial/highlight reel to the greatness that was the Blotter for 14 months of my life.

I am the sole creator of the Leader's police blotter but have since unfortunately had to cease my production of the blog and popular column in March 2010 for several reasons that are not important here.

What is important is to thank the good people of the Lake County Emergency Dispatch Center who, without them, this thing wouldn't have ever existed. They spent countless hours of their days each week over 14 months to read me some of the most ridiculous police reports imaginable and share their laughter.

My collaboration with this entity of the greater Lake County Sheriff's Office was absolutely essential and I want to send 99.9% of those thanks to two people in particular: Jessica Barnette and Jim Atkins. You've both been amazing and I owe you a lot. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I want to make clear that just because I am no longer doing the Blotter does not mean that the Leader can not continue with another writer in my place--they surely can and I hope they do.

I am just memorializing my work, and hope to be remembered as the creator, while recognizing the people who made the impossible, possible.

Thank you again Jim and Jess, thanks to everyone for reading...and at the expense of sounding like a primadonna giving an Oscars speech I will sign off now.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

911 Calls for 2/20-3/2

Saturday, Feb. 20
- 6:33 a.m. – A Polson woman called 911 to report an act of littering as she found “a beer bottle” left on her steps after the tenants downstairs had been partying. The reporting party asked dispatchers what she should do with the evidence, and was told she could either “leave it there or be done with it.”

- 11:04 p.m. – A drunken pedestrian walking quite sloshed in the middle of traffic in downtown Polson was reported to 911 and subsequently picked up and cited for disorderly conduct.

Sunday, Feb. 21
- 1:26 a.m. – A bar fight that broke out at the Sports Page Bar was called into 911 with a request for an ambulance. One male took a trip to the hospital with a possible shattered nose and assault charges were reportedly filed in the incident.

- 4:32 p.m. – A Polson woman called 911 to tell dispatchers that she was approaching her one-year anniversary of “sobriety”, promising that she wouldn’t be walking around town at night or drinking “ever again.” No doubt this is a good thing…but when you have this kind of relationship with the good, patient people at the county’s emergency dispatch center my confidence in this oath is wavering to say the least.

- 7:24 p.m. – A woman reported to 911 that a “drunk guy in his 20’s” driving a “loud, red van” pulled over off the highway and “urinated in her yard.” She added that when confronted, the sauced male got very “mouthy” with her, got back into the van and headed towards Ronan.

Tuesday, Feb. 23
- 3:36 a.m. – A Charlo area man reported to 911 that he could hear outside his house “young kids with flashlights” talking about how they wanted to “break-in and get some dessert to eat.” The reporting party told dispatchers that he is afraid of the possible treat thieves on his porch and did not want to confront them.
What I want to know is, if these dessert pirates are actually plotting to loot his fridge – which they’re not because they’re imaginary – what kind of dessert does this guy have in his kitchen that some whipper-snappers are on the verge of felony breaking-and-entering to get a taste of? Must be some good stuff right?

- 9:43 a.m. – A subject sleeping in a vehicle in the Dairy Queen parking lot was awakened by police officers and told to move along. My question is, getting kicked out on the couch is bad, but how low have things gotten for you if you’re sleeping in the DQ lot? I’m just saying man, either you can not wait to get a Blizzard ice cream treat for breakfast or you’re life is not going that great.

- 8:27 p.m. – A Polson woman advised 911 dispatchers that “something just flew into her kitchen.” The reporting party suspected it to be a “bat.” An officer was requested to do a drive-by at the 7th Avenue address.
As if the cops would show up and the bat would still be flapping around and the officers would flash a little badge action and say “c’mon now, move along now ya hear” and the bat would be like “okay, man okay – if you say so officers.”

- 11:51 p.m. – An anonymous party reported to 911 that a vehicle was parked sideways in the middle of the road at the intersection of Glover Road and Skyline Drive. Turns out a gentleman was passed out drunk behind the wheel. He was taken for a little ride downtown in the paddywagon on DUI charges.

Monday, March 1
- 12:53 p.m. – A certain “newly sober” female in the Polson area called 911 to advise dispatchers that she was indeed “fine” (just in case they were wondering how she was doing, I imagine) and she was just now moving into a downstairs apartment with “her cats.”

- 3:55 p.m. – A male resident on “Shady Lane” reported to 911 that his neighbor was “pumping water from a big pot hole into his other neighbor’s property.”

Tuesday, March 2
- 4 a.m. – A Polson woman reported to 911 that she witnessed a man “walking around wearing all black” and “swinging from a tree” near the Cherry Hill apartments at one point.
Okay, an innocent mistake on her part, it’s not her fault that she doesn’t realize the Polson Ninja Society has held weekly practices in that area every Tuesday morning at 4 a.m. for many years. And by Polson Ninja Society, I mean one drunk dude stumbling home from the South Shore who thinks he’s a ninja and can’t handle his Mondays very well. It’s an age-old tradition actually.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

911 calls from 2/1-2/17

Monday, Feb. 1
- 7:41 p.m. – A Polson woman reported to 911 that she had just “had a knife pulled on her” by another woman who she was attempting to collect money from after selling her an old computer.

Tuesday, Feb. 2
- 9:51 a.m. – A Ronan woman called 911 and reported that she had recently allowed a man to use her home phone who alerted her that the line was “tapped!” She told dispatchers that she had already called the phone company who had told her that the phone line was indeed not tapped, but she felt she should contact the authorities anyways.

- 9:53 p.m. – An employee of Fraser Fur Farm on Terrace Lake Road (a farm with bobcats and lynx, mind you) reported to 911 that they had received an anonymous call from an unidentified woman that “terrorist” members of an “animal welfare coalition” will invade the property and attempt to “release the farm’s animals” as the caller claimed they had in many other instances.
Not that I would condone this sort of behavior, because it’s against the law, but what exactly constitutes a “terrorist” these days. Unless the group intends on giving all the bobcats and lynx rabies and a thirst for human blood and then sicking them on the township of Ronan – this is not an act to “incite terror.”
I think we might be jumping the gun on this one, in other words, keep the national terror “skittle” level at citrus yellow for now. You do have to watch out for those raccoons with dynamite strapped to their chests though, they’ll get ya.

Wednesday, Feb. 3
- 4:14 a.m. – The same Ronan woman from earlier dialed back 911 and wanted to discuss an incident of “attempted murder” with an officer.
She claimed to dispatchers that the Bread Basket in Ronan had attempted to poison her by “putting too much salt in her food.” She clarified her connection between the food and attempted homicide by adding “that much salt can kill a person with as high of blood pressure as me.”
She told dispatchers that she did not want to speak with Ronan officers regarding the incident as they “are too negative” and have “sneered” at her before about the “phone tapping.”
The woman then went on to add that St. Luke’s hospital is also in on the blatant assassination “alliance” – yes, she actually called it an “alliance” – as they had “intentionally gave her psychotic meds without telling her.”
Well, the jig is up – and it’s about time folks. Finally, someone has come along and exposed the obvious conspiracy plot between the tireless public servants who guard our communities from both illness and harm. What’s their angle anyways?

Thursday, Feb. 4
- 8:38 a.m. – A Polson woman reported to 911 that she had received three calls recently stating that she had “won a Mercedes.”

Friday, Feb. 5
- 10:49 p.m. – 911 dispatchers received a traffic complaint from a male driver who said he was nearly run off the road by another vehicle at Highway 93 and Lakes Corner.
With a detailed description, officers later located the vehicle at the Ronan Town Pump and – upon searching the vehicle – found a glass pipe with residue from drug usage. One person was booked on possession of drug paraphernalia.

Saturday, Feb. 6
- 11:34 p.m. – A routine traffic stop by Polson Police, spurred on by the smell of mary jane hanging in the air, led to a consented search of the vehicle and the seizing of a glass pipe and two sandwich baggies of marijuana. An individual was booked on possession of dangerous drugs.

Sunday, Feb. 7
- 4:50 p.m. – A concerned mother called 911, as well as poison control, to report that her 15-year-old daughter had been caught “huffing dust remover” from an aerosol spray can.

Tuesday, Feb. 9
- 3:31 a.m. – A Ronan woman called 911 to report that a man was standing at the end of her driveway on Timberlane Road with a car stuck in the ditch in what she thought was suspect for “drunk-driving.” Turned out, she nailed it on the nose and a DUI arrest was made at the scene.

Sunday, Feb. 14
- 6:10 p.m. – A male caller reported to 911 that he witnessed someone throw a “lit object” out of a moving vehicle near the Lake View Village in Polson. The caller suspected the item may have been drug-related. Officers seized a “tin-foil object with some residue showing” on it from the scene, but had an unknown suspect at the time.

Monday, Feb. 15
- 7:56 a.m. – A bartender from the Pigasus Bar reported to 911 that she had just come across two of her cell phones ruined – one smashed-in and another soaked in water.

- 5:19 p.m. – A Charlo man reported to 911 that the “back of his hay wagon is open” and it was “not the last time he had seen it.” The man added that he also has five goats and that two of them are now dead – not sure himself the connection between the separate incident.
The caller added that in the early morning he had heard a horse whinnying and figured that a horse would “only make that kind of noise” if it were being ridden by someone who had “stopped to get it some hay.”
By Jove, I think he’s got it! Pretty much an open and shut case, I’d say. Nice work everyone.

- 7:46 p.m. – A St. Ignatius woman reported to 911 that she had just nearly run over two females who were on the ground, “laying in the street, duking it out” in front of the old Your Choice Video store in Mission.

Tuesday, Feb. 16
- 12:16 a.m. – The same Charlo man from earlier called back and said that he believes someone is “molesting his livestock.” The caller added that he still strongly believes that “horsed riders are stealing his hay at night.”

Wednesday, Feb. 17
- 6:59 p.m. – An employee of the Old Timer CafĂ© in St. Ignatius reported to 911 that a man had been digging through their dumpster behind the restaurant, and questioned how the authorities would catch the dumpster-diver.
First off, I truly do love the Old Timer’s food – so keep up the good work guys – and evidently so does this guy also… a LOT! Now I know in the modern age of identity theft fraud and “phishing” dumpster-diving is now a threat. But when it’s behind a restaurant my first thought is ‘hey, this guy wants this food bad enough that he’s willing to eat it out of a dumpster.’
I say let ‘em at it. Bon appetite my friend.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

911 Calls for 1/15-1/24

Friday, Jan. 15
- 3:08 a.m. – A man called 911 to report an incident of disorderly conduct, stating that his brother was drunk and attempting to “fight around with everybody.” At 3 a.m.? I don’t care what you’re drinking, if it’s that early I think whatever the disagreement is can wait at least until sunrise.
- 7:11 a.m. – A woman reported to 911 dispatchers that two young males were sitting on a bench in front of the Old World Deli with “black hoods and full black face masks.” The reporting party evidently pulled into the parking lot and the two took off on foot. Another note, the caller noticed this suspicious activity around 4 a.m., but then went home, went back to sleep and “urgently” called the cops three hours later to report the incident.
- 3:45 p.m. – A rare “purse-snatching” was called into 911, with the female caller stating that she suspects an unidentified couple “playing video games” at The Cove took off out the emergency exit with her purse – which was sitting on the ground next to the booth.
- 6:48 p.m. – A woman dragged a “little kid” into the Lake County Sheriff’s Office for a chat with the authorities after the youth allegedly threw an “iceball” at her car’s windshield while she was driving by the hospital. After much deliberation, deputies agreed the menace should be locked up and the key thrown away for the betterment and protection of society. I’m just joking, of course, no charges were filed.
I’m sure this kid won’t forget that afternoon anytime soon. A similar incident happened to another guy I know, who will remain anonymous. On a playground in the south in the early 90’s, a certain youth took advantage of a rare snow day and proceeded to launch snowballs at other children and monitoring school staff. This defiant act granted the hooligan his first of few trips to the ominous “Principal’s Office.”

Saturday, Jan. 16
- 1:15 a.m. – An anonymous female called 911 to report that a woman wearing a white shirt, of whom the caller had “heard” was “wanted by Lake County for murder charges”, is currently sitting in the South Shore bar. After a brief scan of alleged woman’s record, authorities found no such charges, warrants, or criminal record. Wow, that’s a pretty vicious rumor, ‘Hey cops, I heard this lady done and killt somebody—picker’up!’
- 7:03 a.m. – A Charlo area man dialed 911 to report a pair of “prowlers” on his property who ran off, got into trucks, and drove off toward the Bison Range. This was a false alarm, as the reporting party is a regular caller to the dispatch center and known to be of the paranoid schizophrenic variety. So yes, either he ran off some imaginary prowlers or his neighbors.
- 4:30 p.m. – The boyfriend of a girl who was allegedly assaulted on a school bus trip called 911. The concerned caller reported to dispatchers that his girlfriend had been dangling the drawstrings of her “hoodie” in the face of another girl on the bus who was asleep at the time. The girl then awoke, startled, and subsequently pimp-slapped the prankster in the face.
- 7:12 p.m. – A man reported to 911 that a friend of his had just accidently “discharged a gunshot into his foot” and was on the way to the hospital. Ouch!

Monday, Jan. 18
- 4:17 p.m. – A concerned aunt reported to 911 that her 11-year-old niece had just been “assaulted” by an unknown former neighbor of the child’s mother at the Sports Page “bowling alley.” Assault at a bowling alley, really? What is this, the Cohen Brothers’ movie “The Big Lebowski”?

Tuesday, Jan. 19
- 12:18 a.m. – A woman reported to 911 a noise disturbance around midnight, stating that that two young boys, who looked to be around 10, were outside her 3rd Avenue home on their push scooters “popping off rounds with their BB guns.”
- 9:14 a.m. – A woman called 911 and reported that she may have been scammed when she recently purchased a Polaris ATV from a Tennessee man on the internet classifieds site Craigs List. First off, if you’re from Montana and you have to get on Craigs List and go as far as Tennessee to get a four-wheeler then you kind of deserve it. I mean, this IS Montana. Just throw a rock and you’ll hit a pair of them loaded in the back of a Dodge Super-Duty.
- 5:57 p.m. – A clearly intoxicated man called 911 and reported to dispatchers that there are “drug people on his street.” When asked follow-up questions for more specifics the drunk dialer got agitated and shot back “quit asking me all these goddamn questions!” Hours later when the caller sobered up he called back to 911 and apologized for his shortness.

Thursday, Jan. 21
- 11:53 a.m. – A Mud Lake Trail man reported to 911 that he just found drugs on his porch and that it was either “hash or marijuana.” The caller added that whatever it was it’s making “his tongue swell up.” He then stated “if this is what I think it is the Ronan schools need to be swept through right away!”
Okay, okay, back it up…how exactly did this substance you found on your porch make your tongue swell? Did you pick up the possible drugs off the ground and put them in your mouth?
Responding deputies found what appeared to be some form of homemade popcan pipe. And yes, please do alert the National Guard stat!

Friday, Jan. 22
- 1:51 p.m. -- A man dialed 911 and requested to speak with an officer regarding “an item he wished to return to Dempsey’s” pawn shop. Yes, afterall the Sheriff’s Office should definitely be contacted right away in instances where one may find an establishment’s return policy debatable.
- 5:45 p.m. – The earlier caller from the Charlo area called back 911 and blurted “I’ve been robbed!” The man then paused and said “wait…maybe not, I’ve found it” and then hung up.

Saturday, Jan. 23
- 6:36 a.m. – A man reported to 911 that there was a car running in the yard of his Terrace Lake Road residence with its lights off, and offered to go check it out with his “flashlight and gun.” 911 dispatchers told the man to definitely not do that and to stay put. The vehicle took off and officers were unable to locate.
- 3:54 p.m. – A Polson woman called 911 and told dispatchers that “some morons came by earlier and gave her paperwork” – which she stated she had thrown out.

Sunday, Jan. 24
- 1:07 a.m. – Grocery store staff reported to 911 that three juveniles had been caught attempting to steal an 18 pack of Bud Light from Harvest Foods.
- 1:14 a.m. – An anonymous caller reported to 911 “two huge guys at the South Shore groping females”, adding that the men were kicked out of the bar but were now “swinging around 2x4s in the parking lot.”
And that kids, is why you never lace your steroids with crack. Just take Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco’s word for it folks – the combo actually reverses human evolution back to the age of the Neanderthals. Kind of like those Geico caveman commercials, except not funny.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Calls for 12/24-1/7

Thursday, Dec. 24 – Christmas Holiday Recap
- 9:41 a.m. – A Polson woman called 9-1-1 and reported that the phone lines to her house “have been cut.” The caller added that she suspects “the people from the liquor store across the street” are the culprits at the center of this scheme. It’s called paying your phone bill, and maybe if you spent less time “across the street” you’d know that.

- 8:25 p.m. – A male caller reported to 9-1-1 that there is a man on his Valley Creek Road property “shooting at anything and everything.” Good thing Santa pimped his sleigh “ride” and equipped his reindeer with bullet-proof vests after last year’s close call.

Friday, Dec. 25
- 6:08 a.m. – 9-1-1 dispatchers received an anonymous report of suspicious activity on a Polson rooftop. Officers reportedly found evidence of footprints and believe there was an attempt of possible entry. Aw yes Chris Cringle, our favorite annual neighborhood prowler, has returned.

Thursday, Dec. 31 – New Year’s Recap
- 3:14 a.m. – A woman called 9-1-1 requested an officer’s assistance as reportedly a “heavyset shirtless drunk male” attempted to break-in to her Bear Track Avenue home. The caller also observed the man fighting with a skinnier male on her property earlier before running him off. The reporting party added that the male is now sitting by her back door “howling and barking at the moon.”

- 12:19 p.m. – A Polson woman (who will remain nameless but is no stranger to the history of the Blotter) called 9-1-1 to report to dispatchers that she had “borrowed smokes from a 19-year-old boy.”

- 1 p.m. – A male member of a Polson church reported to 9-1-1 that they had caught a juvenile male community service worker pick-pocketing over $100 from church members while doing his community service hours.

- 7:58 p.m. – A Ronan police officer received a report of 3 juveniles drinking in a vehicle near Harvest Foods. Upon further investigation, the teens turned out to be drinking Rockstar energy drinks. Loads of sugar and caffeine, but no booze.

Friday, Jan. 1
- 2:10 a.m. – A woman called 9-1-1 and requested to be contacted by an officer regarding “being abused by her doctor.” An officer responded to dispatch that the caller was a known person of “mental health issues” and the recurring claims were false. The caller rang 9-1-1 again not much later adding “you better get somebody down here, this guy has lots of patients and could hurt a lot of people.”

- 2:44 a.m. – A man reported to 9-1-1 that there is a man who says his name is “Bruce” who seems out of it and hanging out on the caller’s porch. The reporting party told dispatchers he doesn’t know the man or why he’s on his porch and, reportedly, Bruce told the caller he wasn’t sure why he was on the porch either.
- 4:41 a.m. – A report of disorderly conduct was called into 9-1-1 dispatch as a fist-fight including multiple people had broken out in front of the Pablo Fire Hall.

- 9:11 a.m. – A male caller reported to 9-1-1 that a man just tried to enter the residence by breaking out the windows in his trailer with a steel post. The caller said he chased the culprit from the premises and out of Northwood Trailer Park.

- 7:59 p.m. – A man called to 9-1-1 citing a story in the paper about a string of vehicles being “paintballed” and wanted to report his vehicle on 12th Avenue as yet “another victim” of the local paintball hoodlums.

Tuesday, Jan. 5
- 10:38 a.m. – An anonymous female from Salish Kootenai College reported to 9-1-1 that she had just been offered “hasheesh.” That’s right, a college student was offered pot – hold the presses.

Wednesday, Jan. 6
- 6:39 a.m. – A woman reported to 9-1-1 that her neighbors’ car lights “have been on all night” and wanted an officer to go over and have them shut off. The responding officer confirmed that the neighbors had just been warming up their car for about 15 minutes and it “had not been all night.” A crabby neighbor alert was officially issued for the 200 block of 9th Avenue in Polson.

Thursday, Jan. 7
- 3:13 a.m. – An Arlee woman reported to 9-1-1 that she had just encountered “a prowler” on the unregulated free classifieds website “Craigs List.” Nooooo way?! Not a predator on a shady internet site after 3 in the morning?

- 10:44 a.m. – A Polson property manager for an apartment complex on 11th Avenue called 9-1-1 and requested the sheriff’s “drug dogs” to do a sweep of the units on the property. Ace local canine cop “Kilo” replied with a vigorous wag of the tail that roughly translates to ,“Hell Yes.”

Sunday, December 20, 2009

911 calls from 11/26-12/8

Thursday, Nov. 26
- 2:28 p.m. – A woman came into the sheriff’s office to report an instance of suspicious activity. The woman advised deputies that some computers “mysteriously” showed up at her Main Street residence.

- 5:54 p.m. – A woman reported to 911 dispatchers that her home had been broken into and that “a lot of her son’s rings” had been stolen. That’s plural on the “rings.” Hmmm…I’m just thinking unless he’s a jeweler or a mystical hobbit named Frodo, a fella should have one, maybe two rings at the most.

Friday, Nov. 27
- 12:08 a.m. – A woman called in a noise disturbance to 911 and asked that a deputy go down to the Pablo Bar and “shut the backdoor to the bar” as she had earlier requested in a call to the bartender. The barkeep said they would shut the door yet the request remained unfulfilled.

- 1:47 p.m. – A mother called 911 to report her 16-year-old son for “disturbing the peace” by yelling and slamming doors. Unfortunately, it’s called being a teenager. It happens, and I’m not sure how a police presence is the appropriate solution here.

- 7:25 p.m. – An anonymous female caller dialed 911 and request to speak with an officer regarding “drug trafficking.” The woman requested to meet the officer “on the Polson golf course behind McDonald’s” to talk more as she had very little minutes on her prepaid cell phone, doesn’t have a home, and is “scared because there’s a hit out on her head.”
First of all, I knew Ronald McDonald was pedaling dope. What, with that outfit? C’mon. Secondly, if you’re worried about staying under the radar as an informant, could you pick a bit more secretive of a meeting place? It doesn’t get more out in the open than a golf course that runs right up against Highway 93 and possibly the most frequented restaurant in town.

Saturday, Nov. 28
- 12:18 a.m. – A “very intoxicated” woman called 911 and reported to dispatchers that she had just gotten her “ass kicked, again” by another woman. She added that she “couldn’t afford any more hits to the face.”

- 1:32 a.m. – An anonymous female dialed 911 to report that she had been “stabbed and something is hanging out of her abdomen.” Mission police officers arrived on scene shortly and confirmed that a piece of “fatty tissue” was in fact “protruding from the stomach wound.” For those of you thanking me for that terrible image, well you’re welcome.

- 4:11 a.m. – A mother called 911 to request to file a complaint against her “15-year-old daughter who just came home drunk and passed out.”

- 6:21 a.m. – A woman reported to 911 that she had just awaken to people ringing her doorbell and when she looked outside “there were four strangers fighting and wresting around in her yard.”

- 6:59 a.m. – A woman advised dispatchers that another woman who was just at her home “broke a table” and then proceeded to “throw it down some stairs” before fleeing the scene. The reporting party then inexplicably stated she didn’t wish to press charges as it would “piss off the neighbors.” What? Thanks anyways for calling it in. Maybe you’ll nail them next time they huck your loveseat out the window and bolt?

- 8:04 a.m. – A man reported to 911 finding a “dog locked in the walk-in cooler” at Camp Marshall.

- 8:55 a.m. – A woman reported to 9-1-1 that someone is throwing eggs at her house, adding that “they hit the deck, which is a really long ways to throw an egg.” There you go mysterious egger, whoever you are. You can rest assured that at the very least, your culprits admired your craft.

- 3:12 p.m. – A woman called 911 and reported that there are three girls in the Wal-Mart parking lot who are “spreading **** [feces] on dollar bills, putting them in the lot, and watching for people to pick them.” The caller reported that the same individuals were doing this at McDonald’s a few days ago.
Now THAT is a messy after-school activity. So if you’re local cashier looks a little hesitant next time you pull out a dirty bill at the register, you have these brats to thank for that.

- 4:35 p.m. – An elderly woman called 911 and reported that “all her neighbors have left”, adding it worried her that “something drastic may happen.”

- 5:05 p.m. – A woman reported to 911 that she came home and someone must’ve “blown up her mailbox” between 1-5 p.m.

- 5:12 p.m. – A security guard at Super 1 Foods reported to 911 catching two juvenile shoplifters, adding that the kids said they would “feel safer” going with police officers than their “own mothers, who are on their way now.” The security guard felt sympathy for the youths and handed them over to Johnny Law – which should be noted does not exclude the thieves from their mothers’ minimum grounding sentence of a month without parole.

- 6:59 p.m. – A woman reported to 911 that there is a “little old man sitting at the wheel in her truck parked in the driveway.” She advised dispatchers that no keys were in the car, but it appeared he was “trying to drive somewhere as he had the lights on.”

- 8:32 p.m. – An anonymous caller dialed 911 from the Branding Iron Bar and said “this isn’t an emergency, please send an officer.” Dispatchers called back the bar and spoke with the bartender who clarified that the man who called was not supposed to be there and was “extremely intoxicated.”
The caller turned out to actually be on probation and was arrested for being in the bar under the influence. The moral of the story here is if you’re going to get sloshed in a bar and violate your probation, try not to drunk dial the police.

Sunday, Nov. 29
- 1:08 a.m. – Holiday ribbons and decorations were reported to have been torn down on the 200 block of Main Street in Polson. Prime suspect? The Grinch.

- 1:13 a.m. – An anonymous caller reported to 911 that there are people “fighting over a pool table” at the Pablo Bar.

- 9:55 a.m. – A man called 911 and requested that an officer “star 69” his last call (which, first of all, it doesn’t work that way) as he had just received an “obscene call.” The 911 caller turned out to have an outstanding warrant and, as fate would have it, officers got his location from the original call and arrested him at the “Outlaw Inn” in Kalispell.

- 12:44 p.m. – A woman reported to 911 that she was out walking “her little dog” and the dog found a zipper pouch full of pipes, baggies, and other drug paraphernalia.

Monday, Nov. 30
- 9:15 a.m. – Officers logged detaining a man for “spitting on the door of the courthouse.” Well I guess if you’re trying to get thrown in the can, at least this guy saved the county some mileage on the pick-up.

- 2:29 p.m. – An employee reported to 911 that there is a woman “pushing other patrons around” at Whitefish Credit Union in Woodsbay. Ma’am please, the bank has enough of those cheap complimentary suckers to go around. No need to shove and be rude.

- 6:59 p.m. – A Polson woman reported to 911 that she received an out-of-state text message stating that the subject “has some hindukush.” Dispatchers researched the word and found it to be some sort of “marijuana.”
Drug dealers are so lazy these days. Going digital? Whatever happened to standing on the street and harassing people the old-fashioned way.

Wednesday, Dec. 2
- 2:21 a.m. – A woman called 911 and reported that her aunt is out of sorts, threatening to “stab herself in the arm with a pen and take pills.” Dispatchers could hear a woman’s voice in the background screaming “I don’t want pigs here!”

- 2:32 p.m. – An employee at Super 1 Foods reported an elderly lady for “stealing vitamins” from the store. Hey, at least we know Grandma is getting her nutrients.

Thursday, Dec.3
- 1:55 a.m. – A male caller reported to 911 that another man who is “drunker than a pig” just threw a “trash can through his front door.” When asked if the attacker had weapons, the caller said “he must, because he threatened to shoot my ass.”

- 4:26 p.m. – A Polson woman reported to 911 that there are some kids from Pablo running around with “butterfly knives and flashing cash.”

Saturday, Dec. 5
- 10:22 a.m. – A man reported to 911 that he’s trying to feed and water some horses at a residence on Baypoint but a woman from a nearby trailer is “harassing him and won’t let him feed.”

Tuesday, Dec. 8
- 12 p.m. – An employee at Safeway reported to 911 having a very intoxicated man hanging out by the Starbucks in the grocery store. When you’re trying to sober up with some coffee at noon on a Tuesday, you got problems dude.