911 calls from 11/26-12/8

Thursday, Nov. 26
- 2:28 p.m. – A woman came into the sheriff’s office to report an instance of suspicious activity. The woman advised deputies that some computers “mysteriously” showed up at her Main Street residence.

- 5:54 p.m. – A woman reported to 911 dispatchers that her home had been broken into and that “a lot of her son’s rings” had been stolen. That’s plural on the “rings.” Hmmm…I’m just thinking unless he’s a jeweler or a mystical hobbit named Frodo, a fella should have one, maybe two rings at the most.

Friday, Nov. 27
- 12:08 a.m. – A woman called in a noise disturbance to 911 and asked that a deputy go down to the Pablo Bar and “shut the backdoor to the bar” as she had earlier requested in a call to the bartender. The barkeep said they would shut the door yet the request remained unfulfilled.

- 1:47 p.m. – A mother called 911 to report her 16-year-old son for “disturbing the peace” by yelling and slamming doors. Unfortunately, it’s called being a teenager. It happens, and I’m not sure how a police presence is the appropriate solution here.

- 7:25 p.m. – An anonymous female caller dialed 911 and request to speak with an officer regarding “drug trafficking.” The woman requested to meet the officer “on the Polson golf course behind McDonald’s” to talk more as she had very little minutes on her prepaid cell phone, doesn’t have a home, and is “scared because there’s a hit out on her head.”
First of all, I knew Ronald McDonald was pedaling dope. What, with that outfit? C’mon. Secondly, if you’re worried about staying under the radar as an informant, could you pick a bit more secretive of a meeting place? It doesn’t get more out in the open than a golf course that runs right up against Highway 93 and possibly the most frequented restaurant in town.

Saturday, Nov. 28
- 12:18 a.m. – A “very intoxicated” woman called 911 and reported to dispatchers that she had just gotten her “ass kicked, again” by another woman. She added that she “couldn’t afford any more hits to the face.”

- 1:32 a.m. – An anonymous female dialed 911 to report that she had been “stabbed and something is hanging out of her abdomen.” Mission police officers arrived on scene shortly and confirmed that a piece of “fatty tissue” was in fact “protruding from the stomach wound.” For those of you thanking me for that terrible image, well you’re welcome.

- 4:11 a.m. – A mother called 911 to request to file a complaint against her “15-year-old daughter who just came home drunk and passed out.”

- 6:21 a.m. – A woman reported to 911 that she had just awaken to people ringing her doorbell and when she looked outside “there were four strangers fighting and wresting around in her yard.”

- 6:59 a.m. – A woman advised dispatchers that another woman who was just at her home “broke a table” and then proceeded to “throw it down some stairs” before fleeing the scene. The reporting party then inexplicably stated she didn’t wish to press charges as it would “piss off the neighbors.” What? Thanks anyways for calling it in. Maybe you’ll nail them next time they huck your loveseat out the window and bolt?

- 8:04 a.m. – A man reported to 911 finding a “dog locked in the walk-in cooler” at Camp Marshall.

- 8:55 a.m. – A woman reported to 9-1-1 that someone is throwing eggs at her house, adding that “they hit the deck, which is a really long ways to throw an egg.” There you go mysterious egger, whoever you are. You can rest assured that at the very least, your culprits admired your craft.

- 3:12 p.m. – A woman called 911 and reported that there are three girls in the Wal-Mart parking lot who are “spreading **** [feces] on dollar bills, putting them in the lot, and watching for people to pick them.” The caller reported that the same individuals were doing this at McDonald’s a few days ago.
Now THAT is a messy after-school activity. So if you’re local cashier looks a little hesitant next time you pull out a dirty bill at the register, you have these brats to thank for that.

- 4:35 p.m. – An elderly woman called 911 and reported that “all her neighbors have left”, adding it worried her that “something drastic may happen.”

- 5:05 p.m. – A woman reported to 911 that she came home and someone must’ve “blown up her mailbox” between 1-5 p.m.

- 5:12 p.m. – A security guard at Super 1 Foods reported to 911 catching two juvenile shoplifters, adding that the kids said they would “feel safer” going with police officers than their “own mothers, who are on their way now.” The security guard felt sympathy for the youths and handed them over to Johnny Law – which should be noted does not exclude the thieves from their mothers’ minimum grounding sentence of a month without parole.

- 6:59 p.m. – A woman reported to 911 that there is a “little old man sitting at the wheel in her truck parked in the driveway.” She advised dispatchers that no keys were in the car, but it appeared he was “trying to drive somewhere as he had the lights on.”

- 8:32 p.m. – An anonymous caller dialed 911 from the Branding Iron Bar and said “this isn’t an emergency, please send an officer.” Dispatchers called back the bar and spoke with the bartender who clarified that the man who called was not supposed to be there and was “extremely intoxicated.”
The caller turned out to actually be on probation and was arrested for being in the bar under the influence. The moral of the story here is if you’re going to get sloshed in a bar and violate your probation, try not to drunk dial the police.

Sunday, Nov. 29
- 1:08 a.m. – Holiday ribbons and decorations were reported to have been torn down on the 200 block of Main Street in Polson. Prime suspect? The Grinch.

- 1:13 a.m. – An anonymous caller reported to 911 that there are people “fighting over a pool table” at the Pablo Bar.

- 9:55 a.m. – A man called 911 and requested that an officer “star 69” his last call (which, first of all, it doesn’t work that way) as he had just received an “obscene call.” The 911 caller turned out to have an outstanding warrant and, as fate would have it, officers got his location from the original call and arrested him at the “Outlaw Inn” in Kalispell.

- 12:44 p.m. – A woman reported to 911 that she was out walking “her little dog” and the dog found a zipper pouch full of pipes, baggies, and other drug paraphernalia.

Monday, Nov. 30
- 9:15 a.m. – Officers logged detaining a man for “spitting on the door of the courthouse.” Well I guess if you’re trying to get thrown in the can, at least this guy saved the county some mileage on the pick-up.

- 2:29 p.m. – An employee reported to 911 that there is a woman “pushing other patrons around” at Whitefish Credit Union in Woodsbay. Ma’am please, the bank has enough of those cheap complimentary suckers to go around. No need to shove and be rude.

- 6:59 p.m. – A Polson woman reported to 911 that she received an out-of-state text message stating that the subject “has some hindukush.” Dispatchers researched the word and found it to be some sort of “marijuana.”
Drug dealers are so lazy these days. Going digital? Whatever happened to standing on the street and harassing people the old-fashioned way.

Wednesday, Dec. 2
- 2:21 a.m. – A woman called 911 and reported that her aunt is out of sorts, threatening to “stab herself in the arm with a pen and take pills.” Dispatchers could hear a woman’s voice in the background screaming “I don’t want pigs here!”

- 2:32 p.m. – An employee at Super 1 Foods reported an elderly lady for “stealing vitamins” from the store. Hey, at least we know Grandma is getting her nutrients.

Thursday, Dec.3
- 1:55 a.m. – A male caller reported to 911 that another man who is “drunker than a pig” just threw a “trash can through his front door.” When asked if the attacker had weapons, the caller said “he must, because he threatened to shoot my ass.”

- 4:26 p.m. – A Polson woman reported to 911 that there are some kids from Pablo running around with “butterfly knives and flashing cash.”

Saturday, Dec. 5
- 10:22 a.m. – A man reported to 911 that he’s trying to feed and water some horses at a residence on Baypoint but a woman from a nearby trailer is “harassing him and won’t let him feed.”

Tuesday, Dec. 8
- 12 p.m. – An employee at Safeway reported to 911 having a very intoxicated man hanging out by the Starbucks in the grocery store. When you’re trying to sober up with some coffee at noon on a Tuesday, you got problems dude.