911 Calls for 1/15-1/24

Friday, Jan. 15
- 3:08 a.m. – A man called 911 to report an incident of disorderly conduct, stating that his brother was drunk and attempting to “fight around with everybody.” At 3 a.m.? I don’t care what you’re drinking, if it’s that early I think whatever the disagreement is can wait at least until sunrise.
- 7:11 a.m. – A woman reported to 911 dispatchers that two young males were sitting on a bench in front of the Old World Deli with “black hoods and full black face masks.” The reporting party evidently pulled into the parking lot and the two took off on foot. Another note, the caller noticed this suspicious activity around 4 a.m., but then went home, went back to sleep and “urgently” called the cops three hours later to report the incident.
- 3:45 p.m. – A rare “purse-snatching” was called into 911, with the female caller stating that she suspects an unidentified couple “playing video games” at The Cove took off out the emergency exit with her purse – which was sitting on the ground next to the booth.
- 6:48 p.m. – A woman dragged a “little kid” into the Lake County Sheriff’s Office for a chat with the authorities after the youth allegedly threw an “iceball” at her car’s windshield while she was driving by the hospital. After much deliberation, deputies agreed the menace should be locked up and the key thrown away for the betterment and protection of society. I’m just joking, of course, no charges were filed.
I’m sure this kid won’t forget that afternoon anytime soon. A similar incident happened to another guy I know, who will remain anonymous. On a playground in the south in the early 90’s, a certain youth took advantage of a rare snow day and proceeded to launch snowballs at other children and monitoring school staff. This defiant act granted the hooligan his first of few trips to the ominous “Principal’s Office.”

Saturday, Jan. 16
- 1:15 a.m. – An anonymous female called 911 to report that a woman wearing a white shirt, of whom the caller had “heard” was “wanted by Lake County for murder charges”, is currently sitting in the South Shore bar. After a brief scan of alleged woman’s record, authorities found no such charges, warrants, or criminal record. Wow, that’s a pretty vicious rumor, ‘Hey cops, I heard this lady done and killt somebody—picker’up!’
- 7:03 a.m. – A Charlo area man dialed 911 to report a pair of “prowlers” on his property who ran off, got into trucks, and drove off toward the Bison Range. This was a false alarm, as the reporting party is a regular caller to the dispatch center and known to be of the paranoid schizophrenic variety. So yes, either he ran off some imaginary prowlers or his neighbors.
- 4:30 p.m. – The boyfriend of a girl who was allegedly assaulted on a school bus trip called 911. The concerned caller reported to dispatchers that his girlfriend had been dangling the drawstrings of her “hoodie” in the face of another girl on the bus who was asleep at the time. The girl then awoke, startled, and subsequently pimp-slapped the prankster in the face.
- 7:12 p.m. – A man reported to 911 that a friend of his had just accidently “discharged a gunshot into his foot” and was on the way to the hospital. Ouch!

Monday, Jan. 18
- 4:17 p.m. – A concerned aunt reported to 911 that her 11-year-old niece had just been “assaulted” by an unknown former neighbor of the child’s mother at the Sports Page “bowling alley.” Assault at a bowling alley, really? What is this, the Cohen Brothers’ movie “The Big Lebowski”?

Tuesday, Jan. 19
- 12:18 a.m. – A woman reported to 911 a noise disturbance around midnight, stating that that two young boys, who looked to be around 10, were outside her 3rd Avenue home on their push scooters “popping off rounds with their BB guns.”
- 9:14 a.m. – A woman called 911 and reported that she may have been scammed when she recently purchased a Polaris ATV from a Tennessee man on the internet classifieds site Craigs List. First off, if you’re from Montana and you have to get on Craigs List and go as far as Tennessee to get a four-wheeler then you kind of deserve it. I mean, this IS Montana. Just throw a rock and you’ll hit a pair of them loaded in the back of a Dodge Super-Duty.
- 5:57 p.m. – A clearly intoxicated man called 911 and reported to dispatchers that there are “drug people on his street.” When asked follow-up questions for more specifics the drunk dialer got agitated and shot back “quit asking me all these goddamn questions!” Hours later when the caller sobered up he called back to 911 and apologized for his shortness.

Thursday, Jan. 21
- 11:53 a.m. – A Mud Lake Trail man reported to 911 that he just found drugs on his porch and that it was either “hash or marijuana.” The caller added that whatever it was it’s making “his tongue swell up.” He then stated “if this is what I think it is the Ronan schools need to be swept through right away!”
Okay, okay, back it up…how exactly did this substance you found on your porch make your tongue swell? Did you pick up the possible drugs off the ground and put them in your mouth?
Responding deputies found what appeared to be some form of homemade popcan pipe. And yes, please do alert the National Guard stat!

Friday, Jan. 22
- 1:51 p.m. -- A man dialed 911 and requested to speak with an officer regarding “an item he wished to return to Dempsey’s” pawn shop. Yes, afterall the Sheriff’s Office should definitely be contacted right away in instances where one may find an establishment’s return policy debatable.
- 5:45 p.m. – The earlier caller from the Charlo area called back 911 and blurted “I’ve been robbed!” The man then paused and said “wait…maybe not, I’ve found it” and then hung up.

Saturday, Jan. 23
- 6:36 a.m. – A man reported to 911 that there was a car running in the yard of his Terrace Lake Road residence with its lights off, and offered to go check it out with his “flashlight and gun.” 911 dispatchers told the man to definitely not do that and to stay put. The vehicle took off and officers were unable to locate.
- 3:54 p.m. – A Polson woman called 911 and told dispatchers that “some morons came by earlier and gave her paperwork” – which she stated she had thrown out.

Sunday, Jan. 24
- 1:07 a.m. – Grocery store staff reported to 911 that three juveniles had been caught attempting to steal an 18 pack of Bud Light from Harvest Foods.
- 1:14 a.m. – An anonymous caller reported to 911 “two huge guys at the South Shore groping females”, adding that the men were kicked out of the bar but were now “swinging around 2x4s in the parking lot.”
And that kids, is why you never lace your steroids with crack. Just take Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco’s word for it folks – the combo actually reverses human evolution back to the age of the Neanderthals. Kind of like those Geico caveman commercials, except not funny.