911 calls from 8/27-9/8

Thursday, Aug. 27
- 9:16 p.m. – A trailer resident woke up to an apparent explosion shaking their home. Police investigators found the residence’s mailbox blown to bits and a partial box of “sparkler’s – believed to be used in making a sparkler bomb –“ were taken into evidence. Later that day Fox News linked the terrorist attack to Al-Qaeda and, subsequently, President Obama’s healthcare plan.
- 9:47 p.m. – A woman reported to 911 that she just saw a man walking up Highway 93 carrying what appeared to be a “to-go cup from a bar.” Hmmm…didn’t know they had those. “Hey Jimbo you’ve had enough, it’s time to go…but before you do, make sure to take your booze with you on the go.” Brilliant.

Friday, Aug. 28
- 1:33 a.m. – An off-duty Ronan police officer reported that there was a fight ongoing in front of the Second Chance bar in Ronan. The officer did not confirm whether or not they were involved in the bar brawl.
- 2:43 a.m. – A blue SUV was reported to 911 parked sideways in the middle of Skyline Road. After arrival of police, a male come walking up to the vehicle with a gas can but eventually ended up taking a ride to the big house for possession of dangerous drugs.
- 3:16 p.m. – A man wearing a “gray Sons of Silence t-shirt” was reported to 911 standing out front of the Wolf Den dropping “f-bombs” and insulting everyone around him on Main Street in Polson. Mind you this was about the time kids get out of school on a Friday afternoon that the classy individual was putting on this display. Hey buddy, way not to reinforce biker stereotypes—job well done sir.
- 5:35 p.m. – A woman called into 911 and reported a man who was “driving while high on drugs”, claiming that the man had also verbally assaulted her earlier in the day calling her a “prostitute.” The female added that there were also kids nearby vandalizing vehicles. An officer followed up saying the situation was a 1096 – code for “mentally unstable” female.
- 11:45 p.m. – A man advised 911 dispatchers that his house had just been “egged” by 2-3 juveniles.

Saturday, Aug. 29
- 1:26 a.m. – Four individuals were reported causing trouble at the South Shore Lounge. As they left the watering hole before police arrival, one of the sloshed hooligans threw a beer bottle at the fine establishment.
- 10:18 p.m. – A woman reported to 911 that a fight just broke out between two men at the “concession stands” at Mission Valley Speedway. The argument must’ve gone something like this: “My twin dueli is far superior for mud-boggin’ and you know it Boseefus…Oh yeah Jimbo, well only a chump would eat their pink cotton candy like that!”

Sunday, Aug. 30
- 9:35 p.m. – A man reported to 911 hearing a woman scream for help near Mission Creek. Police investigators found the shrill sounds to actually not be human, rather that of a mountain lion sighted on the tree line near St. Ignatius.

Monday, Aug. 31
- 8:24 a.m. – A woman reported to 911 dispatchers that she was “making her morning coffee” when she saw her neighbor’s pitbull come over and “pee” on her fence. She added that the dog’s owner then threatened her when she told them she was going to call the “police and the humane society.” Typically when you say “Hey, your dog just pee-ed on my fence, I’m gonna try and have it put down”…people tend to get a little ticked off by that. Dogs pee. You pee. Everybody pees. Live and let pee. Give pee a chance … okay I’m done now.

Tuesday, Sept. 1
- 1:45 a.m. -- A male and female were reported to 911 having a “loud disagreement of sorts” in front of Crazy Mike’s Video. Next time this happens during business hours, police gave authority to local video clerk/rock star Bryce to go outside and judo-chop the unruly couple to save the boys-in-blue a trip.
- 2:43 p.m. – A man at the Bayview Inn requested an officer to come down and look at “a pile of vomit” that may have had blood in it. All officers on duty immediately sprung into action, proclaiming “Hark, we must witness this immaculate puke you speak of.”
- 7:16 p.m. – A Sanders County woman called 911 and advised dispatchers that her nephew just “shot himself in the hand while cleaning his gun.” Buddy, unload the thing for a slight nanosecond to clean it – you won’t need to overthrow the government during that moment, I guarantee it.

Wednesday, Sept. 2
- 1:29 p.m. – A man was reported to 911 sitting in a white Ford F-150 in the parking lot of Sacajawea Park “taking pictures of women sunbathing” at the park. Upon police follow-up the man was found to only have one camera – which was broken. No further steps were taken in this instance. But I say, if he was actually seen being crazy enough to take shots of girls with his busted camera, doesn’t that make him more of a loony threat?
- 3:56 p.m. – A woman reported to 911 that she just found more “used needles” behind Working Innovations in Polson.
- 9:59 p.m. – Ronan police officers reportedly were pursuing a “highly intoxicated man” on foot running through city park. After a lengthy, and winded, chase the boys booked him and took the unruly escapist for a ride in the paddywagon.

Thursday, Sept. 3
- 4:58 a.m. – Here’s your Swan ridiculous address of the week. A large tree reportedly blew over at the crux of “Fatty Creek and Goat Creek.”

Tuesday, Sept. 8
- 3:19 p.m. – A female called 911 to report that sometimes a woman comes to visit her mother when she is not home and when she leaves the “mother’s prescription narcotics are missing.”